The Matrix: Now Powered by Kazaa!
by Darko28
Summary: There's a glitch in the Matrix and suddenly the whole world has broken into song. Can "The One" help the crew of the Nebuchadneezer to stop the madness? Not likely. Humor! Romance! Tapdancing Agents! Chapter Two now posted!
1. In Which Trinity Finds Out the Truth

**Disclaimer**: I own absolutely nothing. Everything having to do with "The Matrix" belongs to the Wachowski brothers, and the song "Going Through the Motion" belongs to Joss Wedon. I did make a few modifications to the song however.

**Title**: The Matrix: Now Powered by Kazaa!

**Rating**: PG-13 (for good reason)

**Summary**: There's a glitch in the Matrix and suddenly the whole world has broken into song. Can "The One" help the crew of the Nebuchadneezer defeat the Agents of Kazaa? Not likely.

**Author**: Only "One" Punk up the Volume

**A/N**: I've had this idea in my head for a loooooong time and that now is a good time to put it out there. Please don't blame me if this gets really weird. I just bought about 100 pixie sticks and I'm halfway through them and they're coming in handy [twitch:::twitch]. Remember to review. Also, before I forget, when a character is singing, their words are bold and in bracket.  
  
****

**Scene One [In Which Trinity Finds Out the Disturbing Truth]  
**  
(Click click click)  
  
Cypher: You like watching him, don't you?  
  
Trinity: Huh?...no. Of course not. What would give you that idea?  
  
Cypher: The drool in the corner of your mouth.  
  
Trinity: Oh. (wipes mouth) Right.  
  
Cypher: (muttering) You never drooled for me...  
  
Trinity: That is because you are sweaty, bald, and have a hair doll of me.  
  
Cypher: You weren't supposed to know about that! And you shouldn't have relieved me.  
  
Trinity: I wanted to take a shift.  
  
Cypher: You love Neo!  
  
Trinity: I do not!  
  
Cypher: You want to love him! You want kiss him! You want to date him! You want to fu-  
  
Trinity: Hey shut up, it's pajamarama time.  
  
Cypher: For the love of Christ...  
  
Trinity: I still say he looks adorable in those footy pajama's...  
  
(whispering echo's on the other end of the line)  
  
Trinity: Is this line clean?  
  
Cypher: As clean as it's gonna get.  
  
Trinity: What does that mean?  
  
Cypher: (whistling) Nothing. Nothing. Don't worry about it.  
  
Trinity: (muttering) Everyone is out to get me. They're all out to get me. One day, they'll be sorry...  
  
(The whispering continues and then...)  
  
Agent Smith: Shut up, guys. She can here us!  
  
Trinity: I thought you said this line was clean, Cypher.  
  
Cypher: Um...  
  
Agent Smith: Of coooooourse it is.  
  
Trinity: Then who is this?  
  
Agent Smith: ...Pete.  
  
Agent Brown: (background) Hey, Smith, what do you want on your mini pizza?  
  
Trinity: Is this an agent?  
  
Agent Smith: ...no.  
  
Trinity: If this were an agent, how many of you would there be?  
  
Agent Brown: Very few. Go back to your conversation.  
  
Agent Johnson: Yes, very few.  
  
Trinity: Well, just so you know, I have a flamethrower, and if any agents were to attack me, I would have absolutely no qualms about roasting them and making s'mores.  
  
Agent Smith: A flamethrower! Shit, guys!  
  
Agent Johnson: Yes, shit.  
  
Trinity: Listen, Cypher I've got to go. I have a feeling the line has been traced.  
  
Cypher: Mwahaha!  
  
Trinity: What was that?  
  
Cypher: Nothing...it was a...hiccup.  
  
Trinity: They're all out to get me. (hangs up)  
  
(All of a sudden, four cops burst through the door in a graceful manner. They turn a few pierouettes and land with their guns pointed straight at Trinity.)  
  
Officer #1: We are the Cops of Kazaa! We must make you obey the laws of rythem.  
  
Trinity: (confused) Huh?  
  
Officer #4: We protect the music and our right to download!  
  
Trinity: Huh?  
  
Officer #3: You know...Kazaa?  
  
Trinity: Huh?  
  
Officer #2: Just...put your hands above your head.  
  
Trinity: Oh. Ok.  
  
(Outside, the police captain is singing into a walky-talky when a sleek black car arrives and three elegantly dressed men step out wearing sunglasses. These three are bad, bad men.)  
  
Agent Smith: Captain, my orders were for your protection.  
  
Captain: (snickering) I sent up two units captain! I think my men can handle one little-  
  
(From upstairs)  
  
Trinity: Whomp!  
  
Captain: That can't be good.  
  
(Upstairs in the apartment, about thirty seconds before we heard the dramatic 'whomp')  
  
Trinity: (with her hands above her head) This had better not take long. I'm missing Neo take a shower!  
  
Officer #3: Oooh, she's in looooove!  
  
Trinity: I am not...I'm just...  
  
(The opening beats of "Going Through the Motions" starts to play and Trinity searches around for the mysterious music. Suddenly, she feels compelled to sing!)  
  
Trinity: It's just**...[Every single night, the same arrangement. I go out and fight the fight]  
**  
(Seeing the cops are distracted by her singing, Trinity runs along to wall and whomps the first cop on the head)  
  
Trinity: **[I've been making shows of trading blows...Just hoping no one knows...That I've been...Going through the motions, walking through the part. Nothing seems to penetrate my... heart]  
**  
(The other officers applaud as Trinity lands a stunning cartwheel, grabs the second officer's gun and shoot him with it)  
  
Trinity: **[I was always brave and kinda righteous...Now I find I'm wavering. Crawl out of your grave, you find this fight just doesn't mean a thing.]  
**  
Officer #4: **[She ain't got that swing!]  
**  
(Trinity kicks him in the face with the heel of her boot)  
  
Trinity: **[Thanks for noticing.]  
**  
Officer #1 (from his spot on the ground): **[She does pretty well]  
**  
Officer #4: **[With fiends from the Matrix]  
**  
Officer #1: **[And though we can tell she's looking for him]  
**  
Officer #4: **[She still kicks]**  
  
Together: **[Assssssss!]  
**  
(Trinity sighs and looks at her watch)  
  
Together: **[She's going through the motions]**  
  
Agent Brown: (bursting in) **[Going through the...]** Am I too early?  
  
Trinity: Yes.  
  
Agent Brown: (blushing) Oops. Sorry.  
  
Officer #1: **[She's not half the girl-]  
**  
(Cut off by a Trinity karate chop to the throat)  
  
Officer #4: **[She's-]  
**  
(Trinity shoots him and he falls to the ground)  
  
Trinity: **[I don't want to be going through the motions, losing all my drive. I can't even see, if this is really me. I just want to be alive!]**  
  
(Trinity ends the musical number with a few turns, leaps, and a dramatic somersault. As the last beat fades away, Trinity seems to be pulled out from a fog and shakes her head)  
  
Trinity: What hell was that?  
  
(Still a bit stunned, she flips out her cell phone and dials a number)  
  
Voice: Dave's Doughnut Hut.  
  
Trinity: Sorry. Wrong number.  
  
(Tries the number again)  
  
Voice: Congratulations. You are now a one woman Broadway show.  
  
Trinity: Mouse...  
  
Mouse: I loved your somersault. If only you could salsa.  
  
Trinity: Mouse, put Morpheus on the phone or-  
  
Mouse: Or what? You'll bite me? Oh, please do! Bite me, bite me, it's fun!  
  
Trinity: Mouse...  
  
Mouse: I'm not just for breakfast anymore!  
  
Trinity: Mouse, if you do not put Morpheus on this goddamn line in about five seconds, I will ground your insides into a pulp and feed them to you through your large intestines!  
  
Mouse: (pause)...Yipes.  
  
Morpheus: Trinity?  
  
Trinity: I must ask...what the hell just happened?  
  
Morpheus: ...I don't know!  
  
Crew: (collective gasp) Gasp!  
  
Tank: He...doesn't know?  
  
Dozer: Doesn't have a theory?  
  
Apoc: Hey! I have a line!  
  
Switch: Me too!  
  
Mouse: Morpheus doesn't know something?  
  
(Long Pause)  
  
Crew: We're all gonna die!  
  
Morpheus: I'll work something out! (to Trinity) Listen carefully. There are agents coming.  
  
Trinity: Oh, really? Tap dancing agents perhaps? Do they know softshoe?  
  
Morpheus: Is this really the time for sarcasm?  
  
Trinity: Better a smartass than a dumbass!  
  
Morpheus: Focus, Trinity, goddammit!  
  
Trinity: Watch your goddamn language.  
  
Morpheus: Focus. There's a phonebooth on a random corner in the middle of New York. You can make it.  
  
Trinity: Any other specifics?  
  
Morpheus: I like being cryptic.  
  
Trinity: Well, if you find my mangled and rotting corpse, that means I didn't make it.  
  
Morpheus: Alright. Sounds like a good plan.  
  
(Morpheus hangs up and Trinity sighs)  
  
Trinity: I hate my life.  
  
(As Trinity leaps out of the window, Agent Brown bursts into the hallway with a battalion of tapdancing police officers. Somehow, Trinity does not seem surprised. She jumps through a broken window onto a roof with a stunning leap. Agent Brown and the others stop to applaud, but not for long. They leap over three tall buildings until it is only Agent Brown and Trinity participating in the race. Trinity smashes through a window and rolls down a long flight of stairs and stares up at the broken window.)  
  
Trinity: Ow! Ow! Charlie horse! Charlie horse!  
  
(Trinity jumps up and stumbles out the building and sees a phonebooth at the end of the alley)  
  
Trinity: That seems random enough.  
  
Agent Smith: (from the inside of an approaching truck, sticking his head out the window with a maniacal grin) I will crush your bones to make my bread!  
  
Trinity: (running, running, running) You're not going the speedlimit.  
  
Agent Smith: I am evil. The speedlimit does not apply to me.  
  
Trinity: I am faster than a speeding bullet!  
  
Agent Smith: I am as fast as a speeding truck! I will win because evil is awesome and good is dumb!  
  
Trinity: So is your tie.  
  
Agent Smith: Hey! (looks down at tie and careens into the wall)  
  
Trinity: Success!  
  
Agent Smith: Damn!  
  
(Trinity runs into the phonebooth, picks up the ringing phone and evaporates)  
  
Agent Smith: Goddammit, I wanted to make that bread!  
  
(Agent Brown and Agent Johnson appear and pull Agent Smith from the wreckage)  
  
Agent Brown: You failed.  
  
Agent Johnson: Yes, failed.  
  
Agent Smith: Who cares, we've got the informant, we've got their target.  
  
Agent Brown: We've got a search running.  
  
Agent Johnson: Yes, search.  
  
Agent Smith: Ok. Hey, does this tie match my suit.  
  
Agent Brown: It is very nice.  
  
Agent Johnson: Yes, very nice.  
  
Agent Smith: You guys are my best friends.  
  
(The agents hug and there is a collective awwwww)  
  
Agent Smith: Let's go get some mini pizzas.  
  
Agent Johnson: Yes, mini pizzas.


	2. In Which We Learn Neo Has No Rythem

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, the Wachowski Bro's own everything I want to own, the lucky bastards. The song, "I Need a Hero" does not belong to me either. To be honest, I have no idea who it belongs to. All I know is that it is from "Footloose". Please don't hold that against me.  
  
**Title:** The Matrix: Now Powered by Kazaa!  
  
**Rating:** PG-13 (you'll see why)  
  
**Summary:** Um...it's all messed up...Neo is in it. That's what's important.  
  
**Author:** Punk up the Volume. I am not ashamed to admit it!  
  
**A/N:** I'm so surprised that out of eight reviews, only one is a flame! Yes, success! Actually, I'm just surprised that I got eight reviews at all. Thanks to all of you who did review, and to those that caught the "Calvin and Hobbes" reference, congratulations! I award you a Matrix Cookie, though it doesn't really exsist anyway, so what's the point?  
  
**Artoni:** Um, it took me a while to read your review. I though maybe it was a secret code, but then I saw the "I like" part, and I would to say thankyou, I am glad you like.  
  
**Mizuhi Sakura:** I know, I know. Every morning I look in the mirror and think to myself, "Yes...yes- I am God." I am just kidding of course, but thanks for the setiments Kiah, they were very uplifting.  
  
**m31:** Thankyou for the not-so-supportive review. I appreciate it. It reminds me that I shouldn't try to please everyone. I do have two words for you though: constructive criticism.  
  
**SapphireNight:** Thankyou! You noticed the "Buffy" connection. Believe me, it took me a couple of hours to figure out what the heck OMWF is. Actually, no I am not going to use all the songs, but one more will make a cameo, prolly in the next chapter or so. I hope I am not gunned down by Agent Brown, I would much prefer Smith!  
  
**Nithke:** I love mini pizzas as well! Thanks for noticing the "C & H" reference. I thought it was far to good to pass up.  
  
**Divamercury:** Glad that you were ROTFLYOA. I was ROTFLMOA when i was writing it.  
  
**Amber20:** Yay! Two people caught the Buffy song. I was quite surprised. Another song from OMWF will be on in a couple of chapters. Guess which song.  
  
Galenahaiel: Glad you liked it1 Thanks for the review!  
  
**T'Lorie:** Thanks, I'm happy people like it. I accidentally wrote in agent Johnson instead of Jones because so many scripts have different names for that agent.  
  
**QtayIsSpechull:** Thanks!

**Scene Two [In which we find that Neo has no rythem]  
**  
(Enter Neo, a superhacker living in his own filth in an apartment that a college student would be ashamed to call home. Neo is asleep in front of the computer while Wet & Wild Girls is slowly loading)  
  
Computer: Wake up, Neo.  
  
Neo: Wow! I'm awake! That was a neat trick!  
  
Computer: The Matrix has you...  
  
Neo: Who is this? Why is my computer talking? Why is the "t" in potpurri silent?  
  
Computer: Stop asking questions! I am supposed to be cryptic.  
  
Neo: I don't like this game.  
  
Computer: This is not a game! This is serious!  
  
Neo: Oh. Sorry. Am I going crazy?  
  
Computer: No more than normal. Where was I? Oh, yes, follow the white rabbit.  
  
Neo: But I'm allergic.  
  
Computer: Neo...  
  
Neo: I get a rash all over my bu-  
  
Computer: Neo!  
  
Neo: Right, right, sorry.  
  
Computer: Are you wearing fresh underwear, Neo?  
  
Neo: ...Mom?  
  
Computer: No. I was just making sure that you are because you're really going to shit your pants when someone knocks on your door in about five seconds.  
  
Neo: (laughing) Yeah right. What do you kno-  
  
Door: Knock. Knock.  
  
(5 seconds of silence)  
  
Neo: (blushing) I hate it when mysterious strangers on my computer are right.  
  
Door: Knock. Knock. Knock!  
  
Neo: I'm coming.  
  
(Neo pushes his chair away and shuffles to the door in an...ackward manner. He pulls it open to reveal Choi, Du Juor and a number of other degenerates)  
  
Neo: Howdy!  
  
Choi: (twitching) Heya, Neo. (Twitch) Where's my illegal shit?  
  
Neo: In my pan-...hollowed out book. You guys wanna come in? I think I'm gonn make some popcorn and watch "Flipper" on the Hallmark channel.  
  
Choi: N-n-no thanks. We're going to a party where there will be rampant drugs, alcohal, and promiscuous sex. Would you like to come so that we can ignore you and laugh at you?  
  
Neo: I dunno, man. (walks over to the bookcase and pulls out a hollowed out version of "Hop on Pop". He opens it and pulls out a disk marker "Napster 1.0".) My mom might not let me go. (motions to computer)  
  
Computer: I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!!  
  
Choi: What do you think Du Juor? Should we bring him with us?  
  
Du Juor: (wrinkles her nose) No. He is sweaty and smells like a toilet.  
  
Neo: Oh, yeah, I have to go change my pants anyway-  
  
Computer: **JUST GO!!!!**  
  
Neo: (scared as he grabs his coat) Right, shall we go?  
  
Choi: Oh, yeah, and just so you know, some weird guy in suit who kept slurring your name came looking for you today. He said his name was Pete.  
  
Neo: Was he coming to kill me?  
  
Choi: (shrugs) Probably.  
  
Neo: Hmmm. Probably from the IRS.  
  
Later at the Club...  
  
(Neo is standing up against a wall, looking furtive, while Choi and Du Juor laugh at him from across the room)  
  
Neo's Brain: Why is the "t" in potpourri silent?  
  
Trinity: Hello, Neo.  
  
Neo's Brain: It's a hot chick! Quick, think of something suave and cool to say!  
  
Neo: I can fit sixteen oreo's in my mouth at one time.  
  
Neo's Brain: No one can help you now.  
  
Trinity: That's...great, but I'm here because you're in danger, Neo.  
  
Neo: Is it hard to walk in all that leather?  
  
Trinity: Focus, Neo.  
  
Neo: How do you know my name?  
  
Trinity: You have an ad in the newspaper.  
  
(Trinity pulls out the daily paper and opens it to an ad reading: Need illegal software? Call Neo at 555-1234, no questions asked!)  
  
Neo: Oh yeah...  
  
Trinity: Like I said, you're in danger, Neo.  
  
Neo: In danger of what?  
  
Trinity: I can't tell you.  
  
Neo: Why not?  
  
Trinity: You have the intellect of a junebug, that's why. (presses herseld up against Neo's side and whispers in his ear) You're looking for him.  
  
Neo: ...God?  
  
Trinity: No, just listen for Christ's sake! You have the attention span of a three year old boy!  
  
Neo: Hey, ever thrown rocks at cops?  
  
Trinity: What? No, I've shot plenty of them...but that's not the point! Do you know the question? The one that plagues you?  
  
Neo: (whispering)...what is Kazaa?  
  
Trinity: No! What is the Matrix!  
  
Neo: I think we learned about that in Trigonomity or Algebra, but that was the year I got Sega. I don't really remember alot from that time except how to get to the secret level on "Power Rangers"- Hey, you know, you're really pressed up close against me.  
  
Trinity: ...uh, it's cold in here.  
  
Neo: And you're holding my hand.  
  
Trinity: Right, um, never know when you could hit a patch of ice, you know...  
  
Neo: Indoors.  
  
Trinity: Or a slick floor.  
  
Neo: How do you know I don't have a girl friend?  
  
Trinity: Because after work today, you stopped at the 7-11, bought a six pack of Fruit Punch and a box of Count Chocula. You don't have a girlfriend.  
  
Neo: What do you want?  
  
Trinity: What do I want? (suddenly she hears a few guitar chords and starts shaking her head) No! No! Not again!  
  
Neo: Huh? What do you need?  
  
Trinity: What do I need? I need...** [ a hero! I'm holding out for a hero until the end of the night!]  
**  
(Rolling her eyes, Trinity steps up onto a table where two innocent bystanders are sitting.)  
  
Trinity: **[He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life.]**

Neo: Wow.

(Trinity busts about a bunch of Britney Spears-esque moves including thrusts, pivots and highkicks. Behind her, the two innocent bystanders become her backup singers, echoing her moves exactly)

Trinity: **[Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy. Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me]**

(Trinity jumps off the table and into Neo's arms. Surprised, he drops her, but she jumps up and drapes her arms around him)

Trinity: **[Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat. It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet] **

**(Shrugging, **Neo tries to bust a move but falls flat on his butt. He has no rythem. He is rythmatically impaired)

Innocent Bystander #1: **[She needs a hero!]**

Innocent Bystander #2: **[She's holding out for a hero until the morning light!] Together: [But he's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast!] **

Trinity: **[And he's gotta be fresh from a fight] **

Innocent Bystander #2: **[Up where the mountains meet the heavens above]**

Innocent Bystander #1: **[Out where the lightening splits the sea]**

Together: (doing a few backflips and '80's dance moves) **[She could swear that there's someone out there]**

Trinity: **[Watching me!]**

Choi and Du Juor: **[Through the wind and the chill and the rain] **

Choi: **[And the storm and the flood]**

Du Juor: **[She can feel his approach]**

Trinity:** [Like fire in my blood]**

Innocent Bystanders and Du Juor:** [She needs a he-]**

(The music is cut off when Trinity's cell phone rings. She smiles apologetically at the singing crowd and answers it)

Trinity: Hello.

Morpheus: Could we move this along a little?

Trinity: Sorry. (hangs up) Where was I?

Neo: You need a hero.

Trinity: Oh, right. **[I need a hero!]**

Choi: **[She needs a hero!] **

Innocent Bystanders 1 & 2: **[But he's gotta be strong-]**

(phone rings again)

Trinity: (aggravated) What?

Morpheus: Did you not hear me before?

Trinity: I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Morpheus: Well, hurry up.

Trinity: Fine! (hangs up)

Neo's Brain: Hey, you have a chance now! Many you can finally get some!

Trinity: I have to go.

Neo's Brain: Damn.

Neo: Damn.

Trinity: Watch out, Neo. I'll see you later.

Neo: Damn.  
  
**A/N: Another chapter, another wonderful performance by Trinity. Don't worry, others are going to catch in on the fun. Next chapter, Neo gets slightly unhinged at work. Remember to review.**


End file.
